Read Time: 10 minutes

The moodiness. The seemingly sudden outbursts. The anger and the sadness. The new friends and new interests. The relationships and heartbreak. And sometimes all of this in a single day.

Suffice it to say, the teenage years are rough. No parent (or at least very few) has light-heartedly remarked that the teenage years are the best. Instead, we often hear parents lament that their teen is never "present," their grades are failing, they're defiant, and have no motivation (among so many other things.) Parents fear their teens are depressed, anxious, and stressed out, but struggle with how to support them in a healthy, sustainable way. 

One of the things we hear parents ask is how to provide or teach their teens coping skills. "What tools can teach my kid so they can better manage their stress and emotions?" they ask. And while we're pleased to hear that parents are trying, we also internally groan. 

The Pitfalls of Coping Skills

You've probably done your research on coping skills as a parent with a struggling teen. You’ve read that coping skills are strategies your kid can implement to manage and adapt to the stresses they’re presented with. You may even have a list drawn up of coping skills you believe would be beneficial for your kid. You might have even heard from other therapists about certain coping skills that "work the best" (DBT anyone?). As much as your intentions may be good, here's where we need to draw the line: coping skills aren't all they're cracked up to be, and in some cases, coping skills can even be harmful to your teen. 

Let's look at some of the larger reasons coping skills may not be the best.

Coping Skills Promote Suppression

Let's say your teen is overwhelmed by their homework. To cope with this stress, you encourage them to take a break every so often to practice mindful breathing and maybe relax by spending time on their phone. While this seems to help on the outside, it may ultimately cause them to escape from their anxieties and into their screens instead of trying to understand the root cause of their stresses. 

Here's another example. Let's say you have a teen who seems to have it all; good grades, good friends, and a good home. And yet at home, they are despondent and ungrateful. It’s difficult for you to understand. You encourage them to practice the coping skill of gratitude and to write down all the things they should be happy and grateful for. While this seems beneficial on the surface, it can be incredibly dehumanizing and shaming. 

Psst...by the way…

LOOKING FOR A BRAVE AND SAFER SPACE FOR YOUR TEEN TO UNDERSTAND THEIR FEELINGS & FOSTER INDEPENDENCE?

Why? Because this coping skill teaches your teen to push aside whatever anxieties, anger, or sadness they are feeling. It's telling them that these feelings are ugly and unwanted and that it's best to avoid that uncomfortableness. It's not teaching them that, whatever they are, their feelings are valid and that it's ok to sit with these feelings.

Coping Skills Don't Treat the Actual "Problems"

I feel it's important to emphasize that coping skills can become maladaptive and turn into inappropriate self-harm. In short, coping skills help us survive, and for some teens, this may mean turning to substance abuse, dissociation, cutting, or restrictive eating. This is how your teen may be best able to "cope" with their overwhelming emotions.

As I've mentioned before in a previous blog, coping skills are like a Band-Aid on a wound that needs stitches. Does the Band-Aid help? Sure, it may temporarily stop the bleeding, but until that wound is assessed and properly stitched, no Band-Aid is really going to help. 

Ditch the Coping Skills or How To Help Your Stressed Teen

While we wish there was a one-size-fits-all answer to this question, there unfortunately isn't. And that's the point. 

Coping skills, for the most part, are generic tools. They weren't made with your teen's unique needs and wants in mind. They aren't catering to your child's unique lived experiences. 

So what do we do? In part, we change how we think (and yes, I understand this is a huge ask.) Instead of wanting to "fix" or "solve" our teens' problems right away, instead of trying to stop their "useless" emotions or habits, we need to foster an environment that encourages open expression. We need to encourage our teens to express their thoughts and feelings freely, without judgment and punishment. They need to feel heard and understood, not broken or inconvenient. 

Teens need to hear and see this. And that means sitting with our feelings, thoughts, and emotions. To be examples for the young people in our lives. 

Just as imperative is the importance of recognizing when your teen may need professional support. Just like your teens, you as a parent can't (and shouldn't be expected to) do it all.Therapists, counselors, and support groups can offer guidance and support tailored to your teens' individual needs. The therapists here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling understand that coping skills and preventative self-care play a role in therapy, but that our biggest role is to help teens heal in ways that support them as individuals.

Helping Recognize Unique Teens and Adolescents in Colorado

We get it. You just want your teen to be happy. And yes, helping your teen develop effective coping skills is a crucial part of parenting. Here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, we want you to know it's even more important to foster open communication, and listen and sit with your teen and their feelings. If you feel your teen needs professional support, or you want to learn more about our specialization in therapy for teens and adolescents, please reach out. 

About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.