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You've heard routine is a good thing, so you're determined to have dinner at 6:30 PM. At the table. With the whole family. But your teen has their eyes glued to their phone on the couch, completely absorbed. 

"Dinner time!" You gesture to the table where the rest of the family sits. No response. You know the screen-time app is about to go off and you can already feel the tension rising.

Suddenly, the noises from the tablet shut off and the protesting starts. Here we go again, you think. Forty-five minutes later, after much complaining, dragging of heels, and muttering under their breath from both parties, everyone is at the table. But now the food is cold, no one is even looking at each other, and any hope of family bonding has gone straight down the drain. It seems like you just can't win. 

I just need to push harder, you think, I need to be a better parent. But maybe, just maybe, that's the problem. 

Maybe it's time to let go a little. Maybe it's time to try Low Demand Parenting.

Psst...by the way…

WE OFFER THERAPY FOR TEENS & YOUNG ADULTS IN DENVER.

What is Low Demand Parenting?

When we demand something of our children, regardless of their age, we externalize our expectations. We want our kids to get good grades, participate in extracurriculars, and have a good group of friends. We want them to be healthy and happy and we have perceived expectations about how they should go about to achieve those things.

Herein lies the problem. Developmentally, teenagers have lower tolerance for managing frustration and other big emotions.  For some teens, demanding something as seemingly routine as brushing their teeth can send them into a state of fight, flight, freeze, or sleep. Many teens, especially neurodivergent teens, experience burnout due to the overwhelming stress of external demands.

Low Demand Parenting is often used by parents of teens with Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (PDA,) a profile of neurodiversity where individuals see threats to their autonomy as dangerous. PDA individuals engage in a variety of behaviors (sometimes deemed disruptive or difficult) to avoid that loss of autonomy. 

Low Demand Parenting prioritizes keeping stress levels low, both for the parent and for the teens. For a teen with PDA, this means allowing them the time, space, and trust to feel in control at all times. This parenting style is also often useful for parents of other neurotypical teens, as it encourages them to find a routine that best fits their needs vs what others perceive their needs to be. 

How Does Low Demand Parenting Work?

Low Demand Parenting focuses on trust, flexibility, collaboration, and demand awareness.. Instead of putting perceived expectations on your teen, we're valuing their autonomy and allowing them to take the lead in their lives. Unlike other parenting styles that prioritize discipline and rigid structure, low-demand parenting focuses on allowing teens to explore and develop in their own way and at their own pace.

In Low Demand Parenting, parents match their expectations to their teen's true capacity, communicating understanding, validation, and radical acceptance. In Low Demand Parenting, we are saying our teens are enough as they are.

Let's break down some of the key principles.

Key Principles of Low Demand Parenting

Flexibility

In Low Demand Parenting, parents are open to adjusting routines, rules, and expectations according to their child's changing needs. We offer choices instead of tasks, or options instead of to-dos. Parents cooperate with their teens instead of operating as controlling authority figures**.

Collaboration

Parents actively involve their teen in decision-making processes, seeking their input and considering their opinions. Plenty of time and space (when possible) is given to a teen when decisions are offered so that they do not feel pressured or rushed. When we give our teens a chance to make choices in their lives, we foster a sense of ownership and responsibility, boosting their self-confidence and self-esteem.

Demand Awareness

In Low Demand Parenting, you as parents are encouraged to be very demand aware. This means making the conscious effort to minimize pressures and expectations placed on our children. Parents:

•  Make a conscious effort to recognize all of the demands a teen may already face (social, education, or societal demands)

• Make sure they depersonalize requests to minimize the perceptions of any demands

• Are very conscious of their tone, energy and language when they do make any requests

Radical Acceptance

Perhaps most important in Low Demand Parenting is radical acceptance. It's the mindset that right here and now, you as a parent are enough and that your kids are enough as they are. It's the acceptance that we all have our own needs, strengths and weaknesses and that we don't need to subscribe to society's standards to prove ourselves or our kids. When we provide ourselves and our teen with a safer, accepting environment, we naturally encourage growth, self-worth, and self-discovery.

**A special note: Low Demand Parenting isn't permissive parenting. In Low Demand Parenting, parents are still very much present, providing clear boundaries and structure when it comes to certain things, such as safety. **

Benefits of Low Demand Parenting

We've mentioned a few of the benefits of Low Demand Parenting, but let's take a moment to really dive into how this parenting approach can be both beneficial for your kid and you.

1. Promotes independence and self-reliance in teens.

For every teen, and especially for teens who are neurodivergent, have chronic illnesses and/or are disabled, autonomy is everything. When parents stop making presumptions about what their kids can and cannot do, they give them the space to be their own person. To make the choices that help them feel safer, so that in the future they may feel more confident to engage in more stressful situations.

When we stop demanding, we're not abandoning our kids. We're allowing them to find what feels good to them so that they can learn to depend on themselves and ask for support when they feel comfortable.

2. Reduces stress and pressure on both parents and teens.

Low Demand Parenting creates a more relaxed and supportive environment for everyone.

Instead of constantly pressuring teens to achieve certain goals or adhere to rules, Low Demand parents allow teens to make their own choices. That crippling pressure of expectation is no longer on your teen and you no longer have to monitor and control your teen's every move. Once again, we're not completely negligent of our teen--instead, we're giving them a safer, more accepting environment to make their own decisions and live the way that feels safer to them. 

3. More open communication.

When we create a more relaxed and supportive environment, where teens feel supported and valued for who they are, they are more likely to seek guidance and openly communicate their thoughts and feelings. When we can better communicate with our kids, we can better understand our kids' needs and offer appropriate support and guidance. 

Therapy for Neurodivergent Teens and Adolescents in Denver, CO

Ultimately, Low Demand Parenting is about shifting our perspective and priorities as parents, particularly as parents of teenagers. Instead of focusing on rigid schedules and external expectations, we need to embrace a more compassionate and adaptable approach. Low Demand Parenting is not about letting go of all structure or expectations but about recognizing and respecting the unique needs of our teens. By doing so, we create a nurturing environment where our teens can thrive on their own terms, building resilience, independence, and self-esteem. Low Demand Parenting is an invitation to move back, breathe, and truly see our children for who they are, to value their autonomy and support their journey with radical acceptance and love.

If you're a teen, or a parent of a teen, and are struggling, please reach out. Interfaith Bridge Counseling focuses on helping teens and young adults navigate and thrive. We're here to help your teen see their unique value, both as an individual and in the community. 

About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.