Read Time: 12 minutes

When was the last time somebody congratulated you on getting most of your work done? Or a "way to go!" for taking a nap instead of cleaning your room? A gold star for gaming instead of studying? Or a clap on the back for ordering out instead of cooking?

Never? 

Well, why not?

"Because!" you say, "What good does any of that do? None of those things improved me in any way or completed anything. It's not enough!" 

Well, maybe, just maybe, it should be just that. Enough. 

The Insidious Need to Succeed

Let's face it. We've grown up in a fast-paced and competitive world, where the pressure to excel and succeed has taken center stage in our lives as teenagers and young adults. The ideals of perfectionism and relentless productivity are so deeply ingrained in societal norms that it fosters an environment where the pursuit of success often overshadows any consideration for our mental well-being.

As much as we continue to learn about the mind-body connection and the effects of stress on our well-being, it seems American society, patriarchy, and our various cultures just don't get the idea. We seem to be "stuck" with this "need to succeed." This painful, never-ending drive to be "perfect" and "productive."

Perfectionism, Productivity, and Why So Many of Us Struggle With It

Let's start off by looking at perfectionism.

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Perfectionism is characterized by:

• the need to set excessively high standards for yourself

• a strong motivation to achieve high standards

• a tendency to be highly self-critical

• finding importance and joy in being what is perceived as "productive"

• having a fear of making mistakes

• a need for approval and validation from others

• a desire to maintain a sense of control

• a need for protecting yourself

Sure, you may think, perfectionism is a little rough, but it can't be all that bad. I'm attentive, always strive to be the best and I'm always productive! That's good, right?

Well, maybe not. Our idea of productivity can be just as detrimental to our health. 

Society's Toxic Relationship with Productivity

As I've mentioned in a previous blog, society tends to associate success with productivity. Never wasting a moment, always working towards a goal, and staying "busy" is what has been ingrained in many of us. Downtime just isn't a thing anymore, and if we do experience it, we're looked upon as lazy or, you guessed it, unproductive. Productivity is so much a part of our lives, that sometimes, if we find ourselves without a task or a goal, some of us may feel "useless" and lost. 

Perfectionism and productivity encourage a subtle, but toxic framework - The less downtime we have and the less boredom we experience, the more we suffer mentally, physically, and emotionally. This harmful and unrealistic pressure to be constantly productive encourages (you guessed it) perfectionism, which once again can lead to things like obsessive-compulsive disorders, depression, suicidal ideation, and even eating disorders.

Why is Perfectionism in Teenagers and Young Adults on the Rise?

Parental Pressure 

Many parents and caregivers want the "best" for their children; they have high expectations and push them to excel in every aspect of their lives. This constant pressure to meet their parents' standards, to please them, and to be perfect, can lead to a sense of never being good enough. 

Social Media and Self Criticism

Because we live in a world where we're surrounded by images and videos of other people's lives and opinions, we tend to be overly critical of ourselves. When all we see is curated portions of people's lives, we set unrealistic standards for ourselves and feel like failures when we can't uphold those ridiculous standards. 

Results Based Success

In a society that places a high value on academic or professional success, it's no wonder high schoolers and young adults feel like they have to get top grades or excel in their careers. This focus on external outcomes can drive us to set unattainable goals and push ourselves to the point of burnout. 

Trauma

Trauma or sudden changes in life circumstances can also contribute to perfectionism. The loss of a loved one, a major life transition, or a traumatic event can disrupt our sense of control and stability. Sometimes perfectionism can be our attempt to regain control, to try and cope with uncertainty and regain a sense of order.

Perfectionism's Negative Impact on Mental Health & Self-Esteem

We know that the stress of perfectionism grinds us down. The constant worry about meeting unrealistic standards and the fear of failure can put us in a chronic state of stress and anxiety. When we're consumed with thoughts of not being good enough, we can feel hopeless and depressed. 

Perfectionism also takes its toll on self-esteem. The constant pursuit of flawlessness and the fear of making mistakes makes teens and young adults feel worse and worse about themselves when they do make tiny mistakes. Self-worth is pummeled, coupled with feelings of inadequacy. It's so hard to fully appreciate achievements when you're always striving for an unattainable level of perfection. 

Finding A Middle Ground: Letting Go of the Need to Be Perfect

I get it. Letting go of perfectionism is hard. Especially if it's become a part of your identity. But as you may have learned (and may still be continuing to learn,) perfectionism can't last forever without devastating results. The anxiety disorders and other mental health issues just aren't worth it. 

Here are a few things you can try to slowly take that load off your back. To start to practice radical self-compassion again and face the fear of letting go.

Ask for Help

Instead of taking on every task yourself, try to delegate things and ask for help. You may feel as if you don't need it, but even just getting into the practice of asking for help can, well, help. You might find it's nice to have a little breathing room in your day.

Avoid Over-Delivering

We know constantly going above and beyond can lead to burnout and an unhealthy obsession with perfection. Instead, try to be ok with just ok. Because guess what? It's going to be ok. A grade of a C or D and time to spend doing what you find passion in is better than an A or B with a migraine and anxiety over whether you did your best.

Say No

This may seem particularly daunting, but again, it's ok. We don't have to do our best in every single aspect of our lives. We don’t have to take on everything. We don't always have to do something. Let yourself be bored. Let yourself do something just for the sake of enjoyment or "zoning out."

Enjoy the Journey

Corny as it is, embracing the concept of progress over perfection can help us find joy in the day-to-day vs just the end result. When we celebrate small things, we don't have to base our happiness on grades, reports, or reviews. 

Embracing our imperfections is hard, but it's a step towards cultivating a stronger sense of self-worth and mental well-being. Finding a balance between achieving what we want and not burning ourselves out is even harder. With a little help from friends, professionals, and loved ones, we can begin to relearn what it is that makes us successful.

Here's to being enough just as you are.

About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.