Your Reward System Sucks: 4 Alternative Ways to Developing a Healthy Parent-Teen Relationship

Read Time: 8 minutes

Developing a healthy parent-teen relationship can be s-t-r-e-s-s-f-u-l.

As a parent, it can be difficult to raise a teen with both compassion and firmness. As a teen, it can be hard to open up to your parents and understand their reasoning. Together, these challenges create the perfect storm for misunderstanding and distrust...and oftentimes, actually results in parents using reward systems as a punishment to try and change unwanted teen behavior.

Then we’re just left with an unintentionally toxic, tense relationship between the two of you...wondering, how the hell did we even get here?

But here’s the thing, your parent-teen relationship is important. In fact, it is one of the most important relationships you can have. And just like any other significant, healthy relationship, a healthy parent-teen relationship is going to involve having clear communication and the right tools to work with.

So...let’s start with the basics - reward systems and the currency exchange.

A reward system is a disciplinary framework that creates temporary compliance through a currency exchange of rewards and punishments. A big example: Taking away a teen’s electronics. While the hope of taking away a teen’s electronics would be to motivate them to work to get it back, while also learning to change their behavior for the better, it actually just temporarily changes what they are doing in exchange for a reward. And what they learn, if anything, is that punishments and rewards are two sides of the same coin.

Read that again. What a teen learns, if anything, is that punishments AND rewards are two sides of the same coin. And that coin? It’s manipulative and it has a negative, long-lasting effect.

Let’s dive into this a little deeper, shall we? A scenario of a reward system and its currency exchange works like this: As a parent, you asked your teen to clean their room. Maybe you casually asked, “hey, your room’s looking a little messy, eh, maybe you could clean it a bit?” A few hours, maybe even a day or a week goes by, and their room is still not cleaned. Yet, as a teen, you are feeling stressed and anxious about homework. Maybe you just feel kind of sad or overwhelmed, and you need to scroll through TikTok to give yourself a little bit of a break.

But as a parent, you have no idea that this is going on. So now….slightly annoyed, more explicitly you tell your teen, again, to clean their room. “Hey, I need you to clean your room.” But this time, you as the parent, take away their phone and attach a deadline, in the hopes that your teen will choose to clean their room: “You need to clean your room by tomorrow if you want your phone back.”

And you, as the teen, want your phone back badly enough that you’ll actually clean your room like your parent(s) asked. Then both of you, parent and teen, move on from this frustrating situation, exchange a few short words or facial expressions, and brace yourselves for the next time all of this inevitably happens again, most likely in a week or two. Technically, the reward system worked out, but no behavior was actually taught or learned. More importantly though, two people who care for each other end up having a giant miscommunication and feeling worse about their relationship as a whole.

Let’s pause for a moment though - Parents, since we see this particular punishment used so much, it’s worth a brief discussion about phone usage by teens and what is happening on a developmental level to your teen when a phone (or other valued possession, like video games) are taken away. After all, what used to be “hey mom, I’m going over to a friend’s house,” now looks much different. In the words of one of my all time favorite people, Gary Vee:

“Every child 8 to 12 to 18 is dramatically more social than you...because when you, [parent], were 12, and none of your friends were around... you went outside and threw a ball against the wall. So you may not like the way they communicate, but I promise you, they’re [Kids] the most social we’ve ever seen. They’re just using a device and a platform we didn’t have access too.”

By taking away the platforms that fosters community for your teen and using it as a means of punishment, you risk your teen’s mental health and their immediate access to support. And whether we as the adults in their lives like it or not, their phone and other valued electronics encourage the very things we tell them they need to live happy and successful lives i.e. the ability to explore and discover who they are and have a community that accepts who they are And so, just like you probably wouldn’t use a hammer to tighten a screw, using reward systems (especially with electronics) miscommunicate what you as a parent are trying to get your teen to understand and vice versa.

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Reward systems can involve a lot of different types of currency exchanges. We often find these currency exchanges in behavior charts. These currency exchanges are what we call the punishments of a behavior chart. Reward systems and behavior chart punishments can include:

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Losing Privileges (a phone, video games, a bedroom door, etc.)

• Completing Extra Chores or Homework

• An Adult or Parent Directed Schedule (instead of a teen choosing when to do things)

• Restarting an Activity Until It's “Done Correctly”

Whichever your punishment flavor of the day is, they are all a part of the reward system. The flaw of this is that they all involve a degree of manipulation in how the rewards are used. To put it bluntly, they are bribes to make another person be compliant. But in healthy relationships, bribes, compliancy, and manipulation don’t exist.

The truth is, as a parent, you may be struggling with overcoming the temptation to use rewards and punishments with your teen. Frankly, it feels like the easiest thing to do, right? Your perception tells you that something must be done to change this behavior. As a teen, you recognize the importance of what you’re being asked to do, but you have other priorities at the forefront of your mind.

All of this is normal. Every family struggles with communication, how to get needs met, and learning natural consequences. By worrying about the how, when, and why of punishing your teen, you’re impacting the very foundation of your parent-teen relationship. And ultimately, choosing an unhealthy relationship over a healthy one. The very choice of a punishment hinders a healthy relationship.

But never fear! I have four alternatives to using rewards and punishments to help you both communicate better and develop a more healthy, happier parent-teen relationship.

My Top 4 Alternatives to Rewards and Punishments:

#1 Give Appreciation and Celebration

It can be very easy for a teen to feel like their parent(s) only talk to them about things they expect them to do or change. In fact, I bet if you ask them right now, they have a running list of all those expectations.

So parents, find things your teen has done recently (or not done!) that you are proud of them for and tell them, then reinforce it. I know, it seems counterintuitive. Yet there are so many different, possibly even small things, to be proud of them for. Such as...when you see them helping their sibling with their homework, that they’re taking some time to relax by playing a video game, or for that matter, if they just seem like they’re more upbeat than usual, go ahead and tell them that you’re noticing these things. This type of interaction lets your teen know that you actually do love and care about them, regardless.

#2 Create Household Agreements

Your house is a home, a home in which every member, teens and parents included, are influencing one another as part of a group dynamic. As a group, it’s really important that everyone is on the same page and has a basic agreement for how to interact with one another. Just because you live together or have grown up together does not mean you all created your household agreements together. So...go gather everyone in your home and create a set of basic household agreements. Ideas may include:

• Listen and value each person’s voice

• Take care of our space, individually and as a family

• Make mistakes and ask for re-do’s

• Limited electronics after 1:00 am

• Build joyful memories together

The most important part of these household agreements is to create agreements that everyone, especially parents and adults, are also able to follow. After all, if you as the parent can’t model these agreements, how can a teen be expected to?

#3 Set Up Boundaries That Scaffold

Boundaries, whether physical or emotional, help us define what is and is not okay. Boundaries also help to create healthy relationships with ourselves and the things that are important to us. If we’re all being radically honest here, some of our most unhealthy relationships are with things that help distract us or disconnect us from the present moment, like devices.

While I’m a big fan of not taking away electronics, like phones or video games, I do understand that there comes a time when we need a little check-in on how healthy our relationship with those devices are. For example, if you’re given a ticket for texting and driving, that might mean your relationship with your phone has gotten a little unhealthy. But instead of taking away the phone completely, be preventative and set boundaries around devices, like a 1am curfew, that can then have time taken away in 15-30 minute increments when something like a ticket for texting and driving occurs. After a week, have a check-in together about what happened, then extend that time back out to 1am.

#4 Offer to Help

Everyone needs help sometimes. And sometimes, the reason we don’t uphold agreements or expectations is because we’re overwhelmed. Teens are no exception. Next time your teen doesn’t get done like they promised, whether cleaning their room or turning in their assignment, simply ask if they’d like your help. And then, make the time to get to work together.

These alternatives are meant to be something the entire household can practice, and will hopefully help support natural consequences over punishments. Ultimately, creating a space for collaboration and modeled behavior. Where parents get to lead by example and teens are able to practice making mistakes in a brave, but safer space.

Until next time.

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.