The Drama Triangle: How Parents & Teens Can Survive It

Read Time: 10 minutes

Life and relationships are complicated. Duh, right? Sprinkle in the facts of being a teenager (first loves, high expectations, social pressure, and passionate decisions) and it might seem impossible to stay drama-free. 

First, let's normalize that drama, well, is normal. And it happens a lot when we're teens for all of the above reasons and more. You might notice that a lot of tension (what we'll call drama in this blog post) is between you and your parents. You might fight about grades, who you hang out with, what your plans are for the future, curfews, what you do in your free time and so much more. It might seem like you fight about these things all the time and that no matter how much you try to talk to your parent(s), nothing seems to change. 

Again, fighting about these things and feeling like this is normal, but we don't have to stay stuck like this forever. And that's because this entire process? Well, it has a name - the Drama Triangle.

Welcome to the Drama Triangle

So what exactly is the Drama Triangle and why is it worth understanding as a teenager or parent? 

You might be in a Drama Triangle when, well, it feels like a drama. Especially if it seems like this is the 100th time you've had this fight and you know, maybe just in the back of your mind, how it's going to end. But let's dig a little deeper. 

The Drama Triangle consists of three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. Each of these roles represents different ways a person engages in conflicts and seeks validation in the triangle. 

1. The Victim: As a teenager, you might find yourself assuming the Victim role. You may feel powerless or unfairly treated--as if nothing's in your control, and that external factors or your parents are the reason for your challenges and struggles. You might seek sympathy and support from others, but may not feel like you'll be heard.

2. The Persecutor: Your parents or parent may take on the Persecutor role. They may be authoritative and controlling. They may criticize, blame, or impose their own expectations on you, believing it's "for your own good." If your parents are in the Persecutor's role, they often fail to acknowledge your perspectives and emotions.

3. The Rescuer: Parents can also fall into the role of the Rescuer. Out of love and concern, they may constantly try to fix your problems, trying to shield you from any and all difficulties. Even though you may get more of what you want from a Rescuer, you might be deprived of learning valuable life skills and developing a better sense of independence and resilience.
   
   

Example Teen Drama Triangle Scenario

Let's look at the Drama Triangle in a real-world setting.

Say Parent A watches their teen's grades like a hawk. They notice the teen has a couple of Cs on some assignments. When the teen gets home from school, they tear into them. "Why do you have C's? Are you not trying hard enough? You're better than this!" They don't accept anything they have to say and don't care what the situation may be. The teen's other parent, Parent B, steps in and reassures them that C's are fine but suggests that maybe that class isn't right for the teen and that they'll talk to their teacher. The teen feels awkward about this but thinks maybe Parent B is right and they shouldn't have to take this class. They also might feel worthless and anxious because of what Parent A says.

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Parent A is the Persecutor. Parent B is the Rescuer and the teenager caught between them is the Victim. No one is in the right or functioning in a way that will break free from this drama. Parent A will continue to try to control the situation, Parent B will try to "fix" things and the teen will continue to passively act and feel like a victim. 

Importance of Understanding the Drama Triangle

Only by understanding the Drama Triangle can we as teens and parents break free from the vicious cycle. If we start to understand the roles we fall into in the Drama Triangle, we can begin to understand and empathize with each other and eventually, foster better relationships.

Understanding the Drama Triangle can help us: 

1. Build Empathy & Communication

Empathy and communication can be fostered between teens and parents when we recognize our default roles. Both parties can begin to better understand each other's perspectives and emotions, and begin modeling what we would rather have happened instead. Parents start to think  "Hey, I might be a little overbearing and aggressive" or "I might be hindering my teen by stepping in too much" and teens start to think "Maybe I need to speak up more, even if I'm afraid of what my parents might think." This awareness opens doors for more effective and compassionate communication.

2. Strengthen Self-Advocacy and Responsibility

It might be hard and bring feelings of shame, but when as teenagers we recognize our victimhood tendencies, we can begin to take accountability for our own lives. Instead of blaming outside factors (for example, parents say high school is a MUST, but I’d rather get the GED instead), we can develop a sense of agency and actively seek and communicate solutions to our challenges (I’ll research and pursue the GED, even if my parents think it's unwise.) Parents, on the other hand, can encourage their teens' independence by allowing them to face and overcome obstacles, nurturing their growth and resilience (even if “skipping” the high school experience is not what you envisioned for them, getting their GED is the path they need and want to take.) 

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries

One of the most important things understanding the Drama Triangle can teach us is how to define, establish, and respect boundaries. Teens can express their needs and boundaries assertively, while parents can learn to balance guidance and autonomy. When we recognize our roles in the Drama Triangle and how often these roles can bulldoze each other’s needs and values, we can then re-establish a more harmonious and respectful environment that meets everyone’s needs in the long run.  

4. Learn Conflict Resolution and Problem-Solving

Recognizing the presence of the Drama Triangle in conflicts allows both teens and parents to approach resolution in a more constructive manner. Instead of resorting to blame and power struggles, we can begin to engage in active listening, empathy, and collaborative problem-solving. While this may seem difficult (and it is!) ultimately this builds the foundations of stronger and more equitable family relationships, and can even help manage our fears of conflict overall.  

Parent and Teen Drama; Inevitable but Survivable!

By understanding and breaking free from the Drama Triangle, we as teens and parents can transform our relationships and navigate drama with a little more grace and understanding. Recognizing the Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer roles enables teens to embrace responsibility and independence while encouraging parents to establish healthy boundaries and promote growth.

Mutual consideration, respect, empathy, and growth are ultimately what we all want, as both teenagers and parents alike. So think about what roles you play and start deconstructing your Drama Triangle.

Until next time,

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.