I Just Need a Little Space: Creating Boundaries During the Holidays for Teens & Young Adults

Read Time: 12 minutes

It's that time of year again. Whether it makes you feel excited or anxious, hopeful or hollow (or any feeling in between,) the holiday season is upon us. Parties, family, partner and friend get-togethers, dinners, gift exchanges, and religious gatherings are on the horizon. For many of us, all of this can be overwhelming. 

So often we are told that it's "the season of giving" and "joy." That the holidays are a time "to celebrate with loved ones." Even if we don't celebrate holidays during the winter months (and even if we don't celebrate holidays at all) we're surrounded by a society that seems to scream "Buy! Celebrate! Spend time together!"

And sure, it's not all bad (I for one am a huge Christmas stan!) It can be nice to have a break from school or work, to slow down a little, and get together with people you enjoy. But sometimes, as a teen or young adult, you don't have the space or freedom to do exactly as you'd like during these hectic holiday times. 

Maybe you have parents who would like you to attend a service at their place of worship, but this year you don't feel like going. Or maybe every year your aunt holds a huge family dinner, and every year you're bombarded by intrusive questions and snarky comments and you're just tired of it. Or maybe every year the pressure to buy gifts leaves you financially and mentally depleted. Whatever the case, situations like these can arise and as someone who may depend on parents or family to survive, it may be hard to say "no." 

But it is possible.

What are Boundaries?

Let's start by defining boundaries.

Boundaries are for other people to be in relationship with you. Another way to think about boundaries is as a blueprint for how you want to be treated and how you are agreeing to treat others. 

Boundaries outline your values, your wants, your needs. And while we often confuse boundaries with rules, it’s important to remember that boundaries guide your own behavior, while a rule guides someone else’s behavior.

In essence, when your intent is to control your behavior and control your actions, that’s a boundary. 

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Why Are Boundaries So Important During the Holidays for Teens?

Picture this. 

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You're invited to the annual large holiday dinner that you always dread. You're asked to make a dish to share. Once you get there, you're somehow roped into watching the little kids. At dinner, you're placed by your least favorite person and subjected to conversations that make you uncomfortable, if not downright sick. After dinner, you're expected to help clean up and then visit with people you'd rather avoid. Later that night you return home (or to your room) emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. 

If this sounds familiar, it might be because your boundaries weren’t understood, or those boundaries weren’t respected. 

If we don't communicate our boundaries or our boundaries aren’t honored, both our self-confidence and self-worth wither, and our relationships with others become harmful. Any joy we may glean from the holidays is sapped away when we aren't respected and struggle to respect ourselves. Our mental health is understandably shaken and our relationships start to fray when we struggle to find space to feel comfortable. 

So how can we begin to remedy this? How can we go from our boundaries being bulldozed to having our boundaries met? 

Honor Your Feelings

First, and foremost, we need to honor our emotions. It's okay to not feel "amped" for the holidays. It's okay to not want to get together with family. It's okay to celebrate (or not celebrate) in your own way. The message here is this: it's okay to feel however you're feeling. 

Embrace those emotions and sit with them for a bit. When we take the time to really feel our emotions, we can start to understand what makes us comfortable and uncomfortable. And by listening to ourselves, we can start to learn what we want and what boundaries will help us get there. 

It may take some time to figure out what makes us feel safer. And that's okay too. What's important is that we give ourselves the time and space to listen to our bodies and emotions.

Practice Setting Boundaries

The best way for young people to start setting boundaries is by practicing. This could be something like asking your family to knock before entering your room, or a partner to not text you after a certain time at night. It could mean bowing out of a party simply because you don't feel like it, or saying no to a family dinner. What matters is that you start setting boundaries that make you feel more comfortable. 

Hold Yourself Accountable

By starting to set boundaries we signal to others that we have values that deserve to be respected. If we start to slide on our boundaries, say let ourselves get talked into going to a party we don't really want to attend, or reply to text messages when we asked not to be disturbed, we're miscommunicating what it looks like to respect our boundaries.

Keeping to our boundaries can be tough, especially if we feel like we are hurting others' feelings or not "going with the flow." If we begin to doubt our limits, we can remind ourselves of our values and why they are important to us. 

I'm not participating in our friend's gift exchange because feeling financially secure is important to me. I am still willing to celebrate with them in other ways. 

I'm not spending time with my grandparents this holiday season because they refuse to accept and understand who I really am. My sense of self-worth deserves more than that. 

I am saying no to hugging this year from so-and-so. My physical comfort and sense of safety are important.

Be Clear

When people have certain ideas about holidays, traditions, or routines, it can be hard to get your message across about your boundaries. For example, maybe you state that you'd like to split holiday time with your friends and family, but your family just can't seem to understand why you wouldn't want to spend all the time with them (or feel it's more important to spend time with them.) 

In cases like these, it's important to really spell out your boundaries. Try to communicate what's important to you in a calm, simple, and direct way. Using statements that start with "I" helps you be assertive while being respectful. 

"I need time to connect with my friends, who are equally important to me" or "I need some time away from family because sometimes I can feel overwhelmed." Statements like these help to express your personal needs without accusing or blaming others.

Sometimes meeting someone halfway or a flat "no" still doesn't get the message across. And that's okay too. Your feelings, comfort, and self-advocacy matter; you have the right to say no without feeling guilty or obligated to justify your decision (even if it’ll ruffle a few feathers.)

Group Therapy for Teens and Young Adults in Denver, CO

The holidays can be tough, and setting boundaries can be tougher still. It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to stay true to yourself and set limits that help safeguard your mental health and physical well-being. So remember to take pride in yourself for that hard work.

At Interfaith Bridge Counseling we host groups for teens and young adults who struggle with such things as finding their values and maintaining boundaries that keep them safer. If we can help make your holiday season and life a little less stressful, we'd love to have you. To learn more about our groups, click here. 

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.