Breakups: Finding Love for Yourself After the Fallout

Read Time: 10 minutes

Breakups. Sometimes they creep--a slow, terrible fracture between people who once really loved each other. Sometimes they happen suddenly, seemingly without notice, leaving you suddenly alone and heartbroken. However breakups happen, they almost always leave you with a slew of emotions: grief, sadness, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and maybe even, some guilt and shame.

So how do we navigate these feelings? Especially when we're feeling incredibly vulnerable, broken and, well, just down right shitty? We might even think How do I learn to love again?

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Psst...by the way…

WE’VE LAUNCHED ANOTHER TEEN CHAT GROUP FOR HIGH SCHOOL AGED TEENS. TEEN CHAT IS AN ONLINE, WEEKLY GROUP FOR TEENS WHO WANT TO MANAGE THEIR ANXIETY AND BUILD A LIFELONG COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS.

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Breakups and Grief: Why Do I Feel Like I'm Dying after a Breakup?

First things first - no you aren't being dramatic (and yes parents, remember when you first had your heart broken? Yup, now we're on the same page.) Breakups feel devastating for a reason. According to a study by Rutgers University looking at the brains of those recently rejected by a partner, our body and mind suffer in very real ways after heartbreak. Our brain goes into a state of dysregulation and our stress levels sky rocket, leaving both our mind and our body in turmoil.

Some of these physical and mental effects of breakups on the body include: 

• Increase in stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline

• Increase in heart rate and blood pressure

• Weaker immune system, leading to a higher likelihood of getting sick

• Sleep and appetite trouble

• Anxiety that can grow into depression

• Skin breakouts (yes, breakup acne's a thing)

• Physical pain from neurological stress

It’s important to remember that the brain is so complex, it’s simple. What I mean by that in the context of a breakup is that the brain will suddenly feel really unsafe - and depending on your self-harm behaviors of choice, chances are you’ll end up being really harsh on yourself. This in turn, has a huge impact on both your body and your mind.

So…how do you deal with the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup and begin to let go?

Moving Through Heartbreak

In an ideal world, the ending of a relationship would always bring a sense of stillness, maybe even peace of mind. Yet for most of us, we don’t live in an ideal world, which means that saying goodbye to a relationship is actually really difficult. It can have us questioning if we’ve said everything we wanted to say or maybe, if we’ve said too much.

But to end a relationship often means experiencing heartbreak. And to experience heartbreak, one must experience grief. Most of us like to use sadness and grief as synonyms. But they aren’t. Sadness is its own feeling and it typically arises when it’s time for you to let go of something. Grief on the other hand, is more an umbrella emotion. It can definitely include sadness, but it also includes almost every other emotion in the book and it does so at varying times and for different reasons.

After a breakup, it’s important to honor ourselves by sitting with and welcoming our grief. You can think about it like inviting a friend over to help comfort you, to help you find closure. To start finding closure, you can guide yourself through these four points of reflection:

REGRET

As a breakup finally sets in, we often find ourselves replaying our regrets, again and again. Thoughts like, Did I ruin a good thing? Should I have tried harder? or even, What could I have done differently? We might even find ourselves feeling selfish, thinking we threw away a good relationship simply to make ourselves feel better. But the truth is, these thoughts are our brain trying to give rationale to some really big feelings.

It’s important to welcome these thoughts and big feelings though. To take the time to think about your past relationship and the choices you made. To think about how you came to this point and whether or not this is the outcome you expected. To ask yourself, what regrets were left unsaid?

FEAR

Regret and fear often go hand in hand. What if I never find another love? or What if I never date again? might be thoughts that pop into your head. Again, take the time to sit with this fear. Anxiety and worry after a breakup isn't unusual. Ask yourself, are there fears that tether you to this relationship? Is it the fear of being alone? Losing friends or community that were a part of this relationship?

Whatever fears you do have, recognize them by naming them. When we name our fears, our worries, our anxieties, they often begin to get smaller.

APPRECIATION

As you move through heartbreak and grief, gratitude will inevitably be right around the corner. Appreciation after a breakup means you've recognized the light in the darkness--you might remember the positive times you had together, the things that helped you grow and the memories that have now made you you. Or maybe, your appreciation is in how you made the choice to put yourself first, learning that your relationship with yourself will be the longest, most important relationship you have. Appreciation for what was or who we’ve become can be a tremendous source of healing. Whatever the appreciations you have are, give space to honor the gratitude and appreciations that need to be acknowledged.

HOPE

Whether it takes you days, weeks, or months, eventually hope will find you. As devastating as a breakup can be, as much as you may feel utterly broken and lost…your own strength and sense of self will take hold again, reminding you of where you can find new connections, community, and even love from others.

Of course, no one can push you to this point of hopeful acceptance and understanding. However, if you take the time to befriend your grief, accept your regrets and fears, and honor who you were and who you are because of this experience, you will be able to look back at this experience with clarity and sentiment.

Surviving the Aftershock

Sure, you think, this might be how I go through grief after a breakup, but what do I do to survive this heartache? What can I actually do right now?Validate your feelings. Talk about it. Whether with friends, parents, family-members or simply yourself via a journal, it's important to get it out. Talk about your regrets, fears, joys and hope.

And if you’re a parent or a friend helping someone through a heartbreak, this is your opportunity to practice active listening and reflection. Such as:

I’m listening and I hear that you’re feeling  ____.

This is a change for you, say more.

Yes, I absolutely agree that  __.

Find your own joy. In your past relationship you might have relied a lot on each other to have fun. Now that you're on your own, you may feel vulnerable, awkward or even afraid to try things on your own. But guess what? This is an excellent time to do all the things you couldn't with a partner.

Make a list of all the things you’ve been wanting to do, but maybe haven’t. Like:

• Watch a movie your ex didn’t want to watch

• Hang out with friends you haven’t seen as much

• Take yourself on a date to spend some time with just yourself

Connect with community. No one can heal completely on their own, we need other people. We need community. So no matter the weight of your grief, it’s important to connect with those around you in order to help you carry it. Community can be family, friends, or even, a therapist.

You've heard it a million times, but it's true. If you feel the weight of your grief is too heavy or that anxiety is eating away at you, it's important to reach out to a mental health professional. If you're a teen suffering from heartbreak, our Teen Chat group is a brave, but safer place for you to listen and share your experiences while learning practical coping skills.

You can do this. It might seem impossible, and yes, healing after a breakup isn't easy. But allowing yourself time to heal by honoring your thoughts and feelings opens yourself up to future relationships, but relationships with yourself and friends!) And guess what? These relationships can be even more important and more supportive.

Until next time.

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.