Understanding Self-Harm: A Guide for Teens & Young Adults

Read Time: 15 minutes

[Please Note: If you feel like you need help right now, text HOME to 741741 or call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Hotline. You can also click here for short-term management skills for self-harm.]

Life isn't easy. And that's an understatement. Between school, work, friends, family, and maintaining our physical, emotional, mental health (and so much in between,) it's easy to be consumed by the thoughts and feelings that come with our day-to-day experiences. Sometimes these strong feelings and thoughts overwhelm us and we react in ways that physically hurt us. In other words, we self-harm.

But you know this. Or maybe you're not quite sure. Maybe you question whether you're actually hurting yourself. Or you're struggling with stopping the harmful cycle of overwhelming feelings that lead to destructive habits. Maybe you know someone who is hurting themselves, and you desperately want to help.

Whatever the case, I'm glad you're here.

First, let's get down to the nitty-gritty. 

What is Self-Harm?

Self-harm is a term used for when we try to cope with overwhelming feelings, thoughts, and distress through intentionally harmful physical and mental behaviors or actions. These behaviors and actions can be appropriate or inappropriate, and regardless of which they are, they are behaviors and actions meant to help us cope with overwhelming pain and distress. Every experience of self-harm is different. But before we go further, I want to address a common misconception and myth about self-harm:

Self-harm doesn't necessarily lead to suicidal ideation or the intention of suicide.

While we can feel suicidal and want to self-harm, self-harm in itself is not a suicide attempt. Rather, self-harm is a type of survival behavior and a form of an inappropriate coping mechanism we use when we are struggling to express and manage our thoughts and emotions. Self-harm can bring a temporary sense of relief or control.

But it can also cause feelings of guilt and shame, which then throws us back into that vicious cycle of difficult emotions and more self-harm. 

What Does Self-Harm Look Like?

Self-harm can take many forms and is unique to the person. While most people think of cutting or burning, inappropriate self-harm can also include:

• alcohol or drug abuse or misuse

• excessive exercise (think to the point of passing out or injury, or the inability to go a day without)

• eating too much or too little (eating on a disordered schedule, binging, purging, and starvation)

• labeling food, physical activity, or hobbies as healthy or unhealthy 

• partaking in activities or situations that are life-threatening or otherwise risky (i.e. fighting, stealing, unprotected sex, etc)

• hitting or scratching yourself

• compulsive lying

• skin-picking or hair-pulling

• creating art from bodily fluids

• porn overconsumption (often referred to as porn addiction)

• ending safe and trusting relationships

There are many different ways that we can and do self-harm. And every episode of self-harm can look different. Regardless of how you may self-harm, the feelings, thoughts, and distress are something to take seriously as it can become both a habit and a ritual that is hard to break once we start.

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Psst...by the way…

LOOKING FOR A BRAVE AND SAFER SPACE TO BUILD COPING SKILLS AND OVERCOME INAPPROPRIATE SELF-HARM?

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Why Do I Self-Harm?

There may be many reasons you engage in self-harm. Some of the more common reasons individuals engage in self-harm include:

• using it as a coping mechanism for stress or negative feelings

• a way to communicate their need for support

• a sign of inner pain

• self-punishment as a result of feelings of guilt or shame

• a response to feelings of loneliness

• a way to gain some control

• being misunderstood, confused, frustrated, or unseen

• feeling numb

It’s important to remember that every person self-harms, it’s more of whether that self-harm aka survival behavior is appropriate or inappropriate in terms of our wellbeing. Self-harm and other survival behaviors are a way to temporarily distract ourselves through coping mechanisms of dissociation and alleviation because of overwhelming distress, feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It is our subconscious selves way of trying to keep us alive and safe because it knows there is a root cause that is too much for us to manage on our own.

Here's another important thing to note:

Whatever your reason for self-harm, your feelings and experiences are valid. 

Even if you don't know the exact reasons you're hurting yourself, or don't understand why you would act in this way, it's ok. The feelings you are experiencing matter, you matter and when you’re ready, you can get help.

How Do I Stop Self-Harming? How Can I Get Help?

So how do we acknowledge these very valid, very difficult feelings, without hurting ourselves and falling into that vicious cycle of inappropriate self-harm?

The good news is, you've made the first step. You're here, you're willing to ask questions and start getting answers.

A good second step is to start identifying and understanding the underlying triggers and emotions that make you want to self-harm. As you learn more about yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions, you can also begin to find safer ways to express and manage those feelings. Building a supportive network of friends, family, or support groups can also help when you're feeling your worst. 

Of course, one of the best ways to get help in stopping inappropriate self-harm is to seek counseling or therapy from a trained professional (hint, that's someone like us.) We can help you understand the root causes behind your self-harm and work together to build strategies that help you manage your stress and overwhelming emotions.

"But what if I need help now, or aren't ready for therapy right now?"

We have you covered there too! 

Help in the Short Term for Self-Harm

We get it. It's incredibly hard to stop something that provides you relief, especially if that thing is the one thing keeping you grounded. It takes time to build new ways to manage stress and cope with the root pain. That's completely normal. What's important right here, right now is that you are as safe as possible when you self-harm. 

Here are a few things you can try to manage your self-harm in the short term:

• Try something creative. If you aren't feeling particularly inspired, try coloring (psst, you can find a free Mindfulness Coloring Book here.) It may give you some temporary relief to express yourself artistically or to engage in something that distracts you.

• Engage your senses. Try something that gives you a “jolt” of sensation. For example, hold an ice cube, eat some sour candy, hit a pillow, tear some paper, or do some jumping jacks. 

• Get out in public. Go to a park, walk around the neighborhood or campus, or go to a cafe or bookstore.

• Build a first-aid kit. Have a self-harm first aid kit ready and accessible. It can include bandages, non-perishable snacks, bottled water, electrolyte packs, a clean self-harm tool, gauze, clean towels, and a safety plan (which you can grab here, if needed).

These stress management options may not be the solution to ending your self-harm habits, but they can help in the moment. 

Support for Self-Harm for Teens and Young Adults in Denver, CO

For more long-term solutions to help you manage your self-harm and heal the root causes, it's best to begin seeking outside support. As mentioned before, a support network can help you talk through difficult feelings and scenarios and help you avoid self-harm. If you don't want to reach out by yourself, a trusted family member or friend can help you reach out to a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, for guidance and support.

It's our job as therapists to help you build practical coping skills and a network of peers that help you thrive. It's important to remember that overcoming self-harm is a gradual process, but it can be done. If you live in Colorado and need someone to listen to you and support you in your struggle with self-harm, please reach out. We're here for you. 

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.